I’d been drinking Budweisers with some buds at a park
in a forest

when I got so many sheets to the wind, I bypassed
the traditional 3 and lost count as 13.

I trudged deep into the forest to relive myself
privately of the excessive liquids I’d ingested.

After I finished my business, so drunk I could
hardly see, I spied a beautiful forest goddess

beckoning me for a kiss. Not one to refuse
such a request from a beautiful lady, gentlemanly

I complied, and drunk as I was, I kissed a
female Bigfoot thinking she was a forest goddess.

The situation got worse after that. Her humongous
Bigfoot boyfriend appeared out of a portal

and punched me just once, but his punch packed
so much inhuman force that

I was airborne for a minute before I lost consciousness
and woke up in a patch of poison ivy

sober, itchy, and wondering how could I have confused a
hairy scary female cryptid for a beautiful forest goddess

and risk having a jealous Bigfoot boyfriend kick
the shit out of me.

I quit drinking after that and joined the AA, and nobody
knows that I kissed a female Bigfoot,

except Bigfoot, you and me.

Bob Boyd